Writing never seems to clear my head; whoever said it does is either lying or not a writer. Often when I start my thoughts jumble together in this indeterminable mess and I feel like I could drown in the images they evoke. I'm lost in sensation; in ideas, in memories, dreams, wishes, regrets, wants and needs. Then I put pen to paper, and almost what feels like of its own volition, the words appear, coming to life before me. The loudest thought, or perhaps simply the most pressing concern, is written down, sifted from the chaos. So no, writing doesn't clear my head, but it certainly tries to manufacture order amongst a whirlwind of possibility.

This only ever works on paper. Never on a screen. There is something about the method, the motions of handwriting perhaps, that allows this to happen. Typing is too sudden, too instantaneous. There's too much room to change things and so the potential is too overwhelming. Where to begin? Thus, typing is really only good for two things: editing important works like essays or fiction, or writing light-hearted nonsense that requires little attention or effort. Like this. Although admittedly, I began this spiel on paper when I should have been studying.

The point of posting it here? Well, really, when I began it I didn't have any intention of doing so but now I just want to share my thoughts on handwriting. I want to share this with other writers. I'm sure most of you do this already, but I feel the need to reiterate how fantastic, how liberating writing by hand can be. There's no consideration. No backspace. The words just flow from your soul. I know some people consider it an out-dated practice, but certainly, in my opinion, when it comes to writing, be it story-telling or simply providing an opinion on something, there is no purer form of expression.

I know I'm taking forever with this challenge, but this day I also found quite difficult to answer. Simply because I like to think that even when I'm unhappy I'm still mostly happy with my life over all. Like, sure I'm dealing with a lot of shit, there's quite a few things I'd change if I could, other things that I'm trying to change... but for the most part, I think I have a pretty good life. But I suppose, for the sake of the entry, if I truly had to think of a specific moment in time where I was overwhelmed with a feeling of true contentment with my life, will it'd have to be one special weekend in October last year. I had probably the most amazing night of my life, and while I've had some great times since then, nothing has truly compared to that one night. I was with the people I loved and in that moment there was no where else in the world I would have rather been.

...because trying to think up thirty interesting facts about myself is, put quite simply, doing my head in. So I figure it would be best to do that blog entry at a later date. I'm even considering doing it one by one as Tumblr posts or something. That seems kind of cool to me. When I've done it all, I'll link the tagged page on here. Yeah. So this entry is now Day 7. Which is: your zodiac sign and whether you think it fits your personality.

Well. I was born on the 22 Feb 1990. I'm pretty sure this makes me primarily a Pisces, but I was born on the cusp of Aquarius and Pisces, so I'm not entirely certain what that means. Also... now that the dates for star signs have changed I'm not even sure if this is what I am anymore... But for simplicity's sake, I'm going to run with me being a Pisces. That's what I've mostly identified with over the years. So I guess by that statement alone you know that I think it, for the most part, fits my personality...

Reading this, I suppose on some level I do connect with it. I can see myself in the star-sign. Let me get something straight though: I don't believe that looking at the stars can truly predict the future, or guide me to the right path or any of that wank. While I sometimes read my stars, it's just for curiosity's sake, and doesn't stem from any true belief. Having said that, though, I will admit that despite the Pisces over-the-top spiritualness, or rather the spiritualness/wankiness of the entire Zodiac, I do certainly see facets of my personality within it.

However, that's the fact of it. It's only facets. I've spent years trying to fit myself neatly into categories, as I believe I have already once mentioned in this blog (something to do with extraverts/introverts?), but the fact of the matter is, trying to cram yourself into the confines of a category is limiting your potential. So, we'll just summarise this, I suppose, saying that being a Pisces certainly fits aspects of my personality, but there's a lot more to me than that.

A time you thought about ending your own life.

Hmm, what a nice and intensely dramatic question. Just how I love my journal entries to be... Let's see. Truth be told, I suppose everyone goes through that phase as a teenager where life doesn't seem like it's worth living. There are moments when the pain of our youth is completely insufferable... but I don't think I've ever truly considered ending my life as an option to escape pain. I mean, there have been times where I've been so incredibly distraught I didn't know what to do anymore and I just wanted to go to sleep and not have to deal with anything anymore ever again... and I suppose some people could see that and committing suicide as the same thing, but I know that I could never let myself do something so permanent. So irreversible. My very being would not allow it. I can't really understand people who have done it, just because don't they realise all the potential they're leaving behind? All the people they're leaving behind?

Having said that, though, I will admit there have been occasions where I've been fighting with my mother and I've gotten so furious that I've stormed out of the house and gone for a walk. During these walks, I've always been prone to being a little fatalistic and would wonder what would happen if I was hit by a car. I'd then think it'd serve my mother right for making me upset. That's probably the only time I've truly thought about it. But, see, I wouldn't deliberately walk into oncoming traffic for it to happen. It wouldn't be me ending my own life, but rather just an unfortunate accident that led to my untimely demise.

On a brighter note, life is good and I want to keep on living until I'm well and truly old, despite how often my mother still annoys me :P

Your views on religion.

I don't know if I ever truly believed in God or followed a religion but I know I certainly went through the motions of prayer and faith at a young age. It was just something I did without ever considering my own opinion on the matter. Yet as I grew older I quickly realised that religion is a personal choice, not a family upbringing, and I grew out of my belief in God quite like I grew out of believing in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. I don't completely call myself Atheist though, but nor am I necessarily Agnostic. When my little brother asked me if God was real one night, I told him quite simply that He was just a story, like Santa Claus. Yet, at a look from my mother, I eventually amended my statement saying that's what I believe. Others believe whole-heartedly that He is real, and it was Jack's decision to decide what he believes. I also told him he didn't have to decide and stick with that opinion for the rest of his life. He can change his mind as often as he wants about it. For now, because my ten year old brother has an unquestioning faith in the intelligence of his big sister (something I certainly take pride in, if not sometimes take for granted), he is of the opinion that God is nothing but a story told to chase away the fear of the dark, of what's out there in the big ol' black. And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil...

Belief in God aside, I want to look at the notions of "religion" more specifically. This is what truly puts me off ever having any faith in a "higher being." First off? Religion is a man-made concept. It is a bunch of rules and doctrines that claim to come from divine intent. It's a way of controlling people, it's a way to excuse and explain humanity, our strengths and our flaws, our wants and our needs, and determine what is allowed and what is not. It is an out-dated concept. Essentially, it is a way in which humanity tried to form some understanding of the world around them prior to Science becoming an everyday part of life. Science today explains things with proof that religion tries to with simple "faith." You would think that Science's proof would be enough to dispel argument. It's not. That's how blind faith makes people to reality. Harsh? Possibly. But the fact remains that religion is utter bullshit. Just because something came first does not make it right. In fact, in most cases, what comes after is often improvements on past mistakes.

So let me attempt to explain my standpoint a little further. I believe people should follow rules. I believe people should make laws and follow them. Yet I believe that both of these things should be determined by people, not deities or those who believe themselves to be God's messengers. In terms of the first, our morals should come from within. We should do things because we think they're the right thing to do based on our personal thoughts and opinions, rather than whether or not our deity will appreicate our actions. In regards to the law, this is the barrier that protects us from the people who abuse the first belief. We need law to protect society, yet laws should not be determined by religion, but rather morality. Religion should have no effect on law or politics at all. And yet it still does to this day, which irritates me to no end. One day, I'm sure we'll realise that religion is just a personal choice, and not a valid way to run a state.

Lastly, while I'm tolerant of those who are religious, particularly because as I have said I'm not entirely Atheist, I will admit that I'm baffled by those who do believe in God and follow religions to a T. I cannot comprehend how some people manage to take hold of such large assumptions on something so formless as "faith," rather than just believe in their own hearts. It confuses me beyond anything. I feel like I'm right, so therefore everyone should agree with me. There are no other views, because mine is the most logical. Yet I know this is not the case. So I'm tolerant. I'm accepting. If people want to believe in a faceless nameless deity, then by all means, go ahead. We could even be friends. Yet I think it is something that would always stand between us and perhaps destroy any chance at a true, deep relationship, be it romantic or platonic. I think this sums up my views on the topic as much as possible.

Well. I don't know how long of an entry this will be as I think my views on drugs and alcohol are pretty simplistic. I suppose, to some extent, I'm a bit of a binge drinker, although no where near as much or as often as I used to be. I like to say that I'm getting too old to do that when in reality I'm only 21. I think I've just out-grown my need to be shitfaced drunk all the time. I have had some great nights getting drunk in the city with friends and I think the reason I continued to do it for so long was because of those memories I associated with drinking. Yet this year I've realised that I can have just as good a time while sober, and so the drinking is fewer and further between than it has been since before I came of age. That's not to say that I don't enjoy going out, because I most certainly do, and sometimes all I need to hear is a few beats of some hard-paced techno and I'm in the mood to hit the clubs. I love the atmosphere of the night life. But I just don't feel like being a part of it every single weekend like I used to. Perhaps this is in part because my hangovers are much more prominent these days.

In regards to drugs, I used to be 100% against them and thought anyone who did them was an idiot. Now I'm still more or less against them simply because I don't like the idea of taking anything when I don't know what's in it or how it was made. Although if other people want to try them, etc, I don't have an issue with them doing so. Weed, I think is a different matter. I've tried it. I'm sure most people have. I don't really like it, perhaps because I've always been drunk when I have tried it, so its effects on me were minimal, but I'm not really against using it either. I just think alcohol works well enough on me without the help of other substances so there's no point in doing something that's illegal when I have just as much fun without it. And yeah, that's pretty much the majority of my thoughts on it. In summary, each to their own.

Where would I like to be in ten year's time? Well. I'll be 31, which is a little bit terrifying, truth be told. I suppose I'd like to be fit and healthy, for starter's. I'd like to be happy and successful. Proud of what I've accomplished. I don't really want to set definite goals of what I want because I feel like when I reach that age if I haven't accomplished everything I've laid out I'll feel as though I've failed. Self-fulfilling prophecies and all that jazz. But I suppose, generally, I'd like to be in a long-term relationship, presumably married... I think it'd be around the time I'd like to start having children, or have just started having them. So anywhere between two years old to pregnant.

In regards to my carreer, I'd definitely like to be working in television as part of a creative writing team, or perhaps even a show runner. I'd love to have my Kmart TV series off the ground, perhaps I'd be show runner of that. That'd be fantastic. A dream come true. I'd also love to have written a few novels. How I'll mange to find the time to work and write as well as maintain a social life and look after young children is beyond me, but I'm sure I'll find a way. I won't be as lazy by then, surely. I'll have developed that skill my tutors are always talking about: time-management. Multi-tasking will be a skill I cultivate in a far more effective way than simply reading a book while listening to music and eating M&Ms. Considering my career dreams, I like to think I'll be in a financially secure position, owning my own home, or close to paying it off in any case. I have no idea, of course, where this home that I own will be; I don't know what country I'll be living in. Perhaps England. Perhaps America/Canada. Perhaps I'll be back in Australia. Regardless of the country, I know I'd like to own an American muscle car, just because I love them and have always wanted one, like a Chevvy Impala, or a Falcon GT. Mm yes. But that's not a necessity. Just a small wish. Perhaps I'll still have that wish when I'm 31 and it will end up being mine or my husband's midlife crisis. Seems reasonable to me.

And because I feel like being self-indulgent now I'm going to describe my future husband.

I'd like to be married to a hot actor. We met on set. He was one of the actors in my show. It wasn't love at first sight, but a close friendship which led to something more. He's smart, can sing, has the most amazing smile, is great with the kids, and encourages me to work to my full potential. He's interested in directing as well as acting and understands my love for my characters. He shares that love, as he plays one of them and knows what it's like to feel as though someone is alive within you. We might argue now and again, but that's a good thing because we're not scared to tell each other how we're feeling. Blah. This is the overthinking stuff I wanted to avoid in this entry, but I couldn't resist. This man I'm describing sounds like a combination between Jensen Ackles and Sam Witwer... and you know, I think I'd be okay with that :P

So rather than do my homework for Media Histories, I've decided to procrastinate by starting the 30-day blog challenge. Seems perfectly reasonable to me. The only problem being that the first question, "Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is" seems pretty full-on and personal for a first question. Clearly the creator of this challenge doesn't understand the concept of building up to things. But it's not like I've been shy about discussing my personal life on this blog so I suppose it shouldn't matter too much. Once this one's done we can move on to the more interesting topics. 

Well. I'm single. I have been for about six months now. Truthfully? Part of me hates it, for a number of reasons. Personally, I miss my ex, not necessarily as a boyfriend, because I know we had issues and we broke up for a reason, but I certainly miss his company and his friendship. Admittedly, it's mostly my fault we're not speaking (I may have told him not to speak to me ever again haha), but I'm sure when the time is right we'll be able to recapture at least some of the closeness we once shared. In a more general sense, I do miss having a boyfriend. I miss having that person who's always there, who you can rely upon. I miss having someone who I can stay home and watch bad TV with. I know these feelings are mostly exacerbated by my house mate's relationship with her boyfriend, however. If they weren't always in my face, perhaps I'd feel a little more comfortable with my arrangement.

Regardless, I know right now that singledom is the best thing for me. I'm paying a lot more attention to studying (which admittedly isn't all that much more when you consider the reason I'm writing this entry right now is to avoid homework). I'm also planning my exchange which is something I certainly wouldn't have been doing if I was still with my ex. Not because he would have stopped me from going, but simply because I know I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much if I wasn't single. Hence why I plan to remain so until after my exchange.

So what does all of this imply? Well, I guess I'm happy. While I do occasionally feel lonely and miss having a partner, I know that I'm still blessed with fantastic friends who I wasn't foolish enough to let go of during my relationship. I have strong ties with a lot of people and I'm truly grateful for that. I know that I don't miss the arguments. I don't miss the childish stressing over whether he's going to call me tonight, or whether I'm bothering him while he's trying to study. I most certainly don't miss trying to work my own schedule around his. Man, the week after we split and it suddenly hit me that I could make any plans I wanted and not work it around when I was seeing him was such a relief. It was an eye-opener, too, that relationships should not have been as stressful as ours was proving to be...

So yeah. While both relationships and being single have their perks, at the moment I'm happy with my arrangement. I'm focusing on myself, getting my life sorted out. Serious relationships can come later. I want to have flings in England... and all of Europe, now that I think about it. Mm. Accents. Yes please :P

I've always been a writer. From the day I could first put pen to paper I was writing. Be it boring, inarticulate recounts of my day, the whimsical adventures of a young child wild with imagination and thoughts of grandeur, or the often terrible rewrites of books I've read and treasured. I have memories and actually a few old notebooks of my terrible (and I mean terrible) stories where I've butchered fairly decent books. I'd just rewrite the story all over again in my own words and maybe change a few things that I didn't like in the original. Perhaps an early sign of my future love for Fanfiction? In any case, it was through these practices that I taught myself what it means to be a writer. And truthfully? It's hard. I'm constantly filled with doubts and insecurities about my work. Writing this now, you wouldn't believe how many times I've edited the phrasing of a sentence, or puzzled over the correct word. The difference between a good word and the right word is an important matter worthy of serious thought and consideration. Just ask Mark Twain: "It's like the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning." It's a struggle that has plagued me from a very young age.

So why am I telling you this? Well, I guess I want the purpose of this blog to be a place where I can hone my writing skills and embrace my style, which is something that has always been difficult for me. I've always been self-conscious about my writing. I feel I have quite a distinctive style, which often leads me to believe I must be doing something wrong. That's kind of silly, but hey, no one said insecurities were smart. Just felt as though I should share all of this on here in order to reaffirm my purpose for keeping this blog. Lately, I've felt as though I've been rather self-indulgent with it, mostly answering those "Writer's Block" questions, or whinging about my ex or ex-friends. I need to focus more on the things that matter to me, like my writing and my future.

So, perhaps a little background of where I'm at in regards to my writing is required. Well, I'm studying a Bachelor of Media currently. Originally I was doing an Arts degree, majoring in English, but I changed at the start of this year into Media. My major is still English (as I got that credited) but I now have plans to one day work in television. My ultimate career goal is to write and produce my own television show. I actually have a really good idea for what it's going to be as well, which I have previously mentioned on this journal. But I'll mention it again anyway. It will be based on my current place of work (namely, Kmart), and all the dramas and scandals that occur there. For those of you not a part of the company I'm sure it sounds rather dull, but I assure you, the list of scandal in my store alone is long, and I have about three to four stores worth of gossip to work with. There is plenty more to say on this matter but I think I might leave it for another entry. I'll just state what my main problem is; basically I'm a prose writer. I can't write scripts to save my life. So that's certainly something I'm going to have to work on. I did attempt to write it as a novel, yet I got about 1600 words in when I realised there would be too much going on. I see it as a TV series in my head now. It needs to be on a screen.

In regards to more current goals, I'm planning an exchange with my university at the moment to go to England, which is something that also has been mentioned on this blog. I'll hopefully be studying at the Royal Holloway in London. I think this is a great opportunity, as let's face it, England has a far better grasp on the media industry than Australia. My goal while there is to get an internship, preferably at the BBC. Man, I would kill to work for the BBC. Of course, not only will the exchange provide me with great career opportunities, but also in general I'll be able to experience British culture firsthand and eventually be able to realistically set my writing in places other than Adelaide or a fantasy universe. That's certainly something that will help my writing skills mature. For now, I think I've written all that needs to be said on the matter. I'll try to update more often, and try to keep my entries more focused towards the things that matter to me, rather than just general whinging. I've considered doing the 30-day blog challenge, so perhaps that will be my next entry. Whoever's reading this, feel free to comment on any of my entries. I'd actually love it if you did. I'd love to know what people thought about any of this. Other people's opinions will be a valuable tool for me if I want to improve. Until then.